We had just celebrated our 17th wedding anniversary when I discovered the lump. Though Corey and I were heartbroken to learn it was cancerous, we knew we could face it together.
And we did, for the most part. Through breast cancer we drew closer in many ways, but a piece of us broke. My diagnosis brought with it many difficult, life-altering choices that had to be made quickly. It was that decision-making process that strained our relationship.
I charged full-speed ahead making decisions and leaving Corey in the dust. In our nearly two decades of marriage we’d made it a priority to discuss important decisions together. We didn’t always agree, but we always talked. Not this time.
Corey felt left out, even alienated, which made him angry. I, in turn, became angry because I thought he had no right to be angry. I repeatedly asked myself, “What’s happening to us? How can we love each other so much and yet be so mad?”
Admit Your Faults
The worst argument of our marriage became the impetus to forgiveness. Something about bawling on a cold tile floor at the conclusion of a yelling match jolted us into action.
My thinking to that point had been: my body, my cancer, my decision. But certainly this man who emptied my surgical drains, helped me get dressed, and washed my hair deserved to be as involved in my thought world as he was in my physical world.
I asked Corey’s forgiveness for my selfishness. Through tears he asked me to forgive him for not loving me the way Christ loves the church.
Forgiveness is Immediate, Healing Isn’t
I’d love to say that everything was peachy from then on. But it wasn’t. When we extend and receive forgiveness, a weight lifts, but the hurt doesn’t disappear. Colossians 3:13 says, “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone.”
The Bible wouldn’t tell us to bear with each other in conjunction with forgiveness if there wasn’t something in need of bearing. Forgiveness is the necessary start, but it’s in the act of repeatedly putting our spouse’s needs above our own that we bear with each other. It was about me seriously considering Corey’s input, and Corey giving up some of his desires for mine.
Even now, long after the argument that broke us, something unexpected can trigger the pain. All of a sudden we’re right back there reliving the awfulness. It’s a reminder of how deep emotions run and how long healing can take.
But it’s also a reminder of how far we’ve come. In sickness and for worse are hard things, but marriage is worth the work.
~ By Kim Harms. Kim is a writer, speaker and breast cancer survivor. She is under contract with Familius Publishing for her first book, Life Reconstructed: A Girlfriend’s Guide to Mastectomies and Breast Reconstruction. Her work can be found in a variety of publications including Today’s Christian Woman, CT Women, Guideposts, and Wildfire Magazine. Kim lives in Huxley, Iowa, with her husband Corey and their three sons. She can be found at kimharms.net and on Facebook at facebook.com/kimkharms.
