Jill and I are frequently congratulated for “having stayed together for so long” as if it were some kind of special achievement. This has led me to wonder if we have lapsed into unnecessary complexity and overlooked the fundamental simplicities of marriage.
On the occasion of our 50th wedding anniversary I was regularly asked, “What is the secret of your long marriage?” Over the years, I have read numerous books on marriage and listened to countless sermons and lectures on the subject. So from this wealth of information I could easily have listed 20 or more pithy, practical tips on sexual intimacy, financial issues, in-laws, raising children, flowers, chocolates, quiet walks, praying together, forgiveness, and budgeting, but eventually I settled for “Keep your promises and live a long time.” I also remembered the KISS principle. A principle to keep things simple instead of complicating things more than they need to be.
Clearly, there is not a lot we can do about living a long time although there is no denying that it is a prerequisite for a long marriage! Marriage has produced thousands of incredibly happy, full, and rich lives of companionship, love, sacrifice, faithfulness, and commitment, but it is equally true that marriage has proven to be a desperately difficult and disappointing if not disastrous relationship for far too many people. Marital breakdown is so common in our culture that marital longevity has become noteworthy rather than normative.
Keeping Promises
“Keeping promises” is at the heart of marriage no matter how long we may or may not live in the married state. As I have been conducting marriage ceremonies for more than 50 years, I have seen lots of changes. For example, most young couples today are not too excited about archaic language that requires them to answer pastoral questions beginning with “Wilt thou?” or “Dost thou?” or stuttering their way through “With this ring I thee wed.” More than once I’ve heard the unintended but startling statement, “With this ring I we thed!” So a dash of modern English has proved most beneficial. However, I do regret that in the desire to modernize the old-fashioned word, “vow,” it has all but disappeared!
According to Google, a vow is a “solemn promise” and some of its synonyms are oath, pledge, bond, covenant, assurance, or guarantee. So while the modern word “promise” is appropriate, we should not lose sight of the enormous depth of meaning that was embraced in the traditional marriage services of days gone by as vows were made “before God and the congregation.”
Keeping It Simple
I am aware that I am in danger of straying from the path of simplicity on which I set out a few paragraphs ago. So in a noble effort to regain my focus and fulfill my purpose in writing, here in KISS language, is my recipe for marriage—“Marriage is as Simple as ABC: Adjustments Based on Commitments.”
Marriage is Ordained by God
Marriage is a solemn promise to be committed to something! But what? When people enter into Christian marriage there is an unspoken assumption that they believe that marriage is a divine institution. In the simplest terms, there is a serious recognition that marriage was ordained by God as outlined in Scripture, “But from the beginning of creation, ‘God made them male and female.’ Therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh (Mark 10:7-8, ESV). This is important because so many variations on Christian marriage are now in vogue that the word “marriage’ has been totally redefined and we need to be clear what we mean by the marriage to which we are committed!
Marriage According to God’s Instructions
Secondly, that being the case, we commit ourselves to living in marriage according to God’s biblically outlined instructions and promises. It is not as if God invented marriage and left humans to figure out how to “do it best.” God, in Scripture, is as abundantly clear about how we should go about living the married life, as He is unambiguous about what He means by marriage. In Christian marriage, we make vows to commit not only to the divine concept of marriage, but also to living it by the grace of God as God ordained we should.
Marriage is a Commitment
Thirdly, we then commit ourselves voluntarily to the marriage partner to whom we make the promises. While the traditional service is not used as frequently as previously, it is good to review the words of commitment used therein. They are specific and powerful: “to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health to love and to cherish until we are parted by death.” (The Book of Common Prayer)
As I have tried to help young couples prepare for their marriage, I have talked to them about the promises they will make. And I’ve asked them how much thought they have given to the very real possibilities that during the course of their lives together they may well face sickness and health, riches and poverty, and things may well get worse at times rather than better. Not surprisingly, many of them don’t really want to entertain such thoughts and I have no desire to cast a shadow over their beautiful wedding day. However, the reality is things happen: unplanned things, harsh things, and intractable things. We change, we get older, times change, we get sick, we can’t get pregnant, or we lose a job. Tensions build, disagreements proliferate, misunderstandings poison the atmosphere, misbehavior happens, and the things that happen require our reactions. It’s at this point that things can go wrong in a hurry and we need to keep it simple! It’s all about “Adjustments Based on Commitments.”
Marriage Needs Adjustments
Many marriages fail because the wrong things are adjusted to. When changes happen, the first impulse for many people is to adjust the commitments! “I know I promised this and that, but I had no idea it would be so hard, so unfair, and you have become so difficult. I’m walking away from that commitment.” I’ve heard this more times than I wish to remember. It usually leads to a “he said/she said” which leads to further recriminations, accusations, and denials and screams out for someone to say loudly and clearly, “Keep it Simple Sweetheart!”
So what can be done when adjustments need to be made?
1. Let’s reaffirm the commitments we made to the Lord, His ways, His promises, and His instructions. They have not changed although everything else seems to be changing. This will require honesty, heart searching, and may require confession and repentance. Promises need to be revisited, disappointments need to be voiced, expectations need to re-examined—but commitments stay intact and secure. This is a matter of spiritual maturity and moral integrity and must not be surrendered.
2. Realistically, adjustments in the way we have started to behave need to be made; old habits may have reappeared, new ones less desirable could have joined them, and they’ve got to go. Fresh challenges need new responses, but we don’t change the foundations, we learn to re-orient our behavior to them.
3. We’re in this together so let’s face it together, work together, and support each other in the necessary actions. Above all, when things get tense or difficult, someone needs to remember to say, “Keep it Simple Sweetheart. It’s all about “Adjustment Based on Commitment.”
And the lifeblood of that commitment is in the vows that strengthen and eternally bind us to each other—“For richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.” Amen and Amen.
