Years ago when I feared my husband, Terry, was suicidal, I called our pastor and another close friend of Terry’s for an intervention. They both met with him the next day. The pastor’s suggestion of medical intervention was more successful than my attempt had been. After heeding the pastor’s advice, the anti-depressant brought several years of dramatic improvement.
Over time, I've learned how to deal with Terry's depression, including the fact that a depressed spouse often needs more help than his or her partner can give. Here's a letter I wrote providing counsel to a friend whose husband also battles depression. I pray what I've learned and shared here helps you in your own struggles.
Dear Ellen,
I’m so sorry to hear about your husband’s depression. You asked how I deal with Terry’s despondency. Here’s what I’ve learned:
Don’t feel guilty or responsible in any way for his depression.
My husband Terry usually can’t identify a reason for or circumstance causing his despondence. Depression and anxiety run in his family, and there’s likely a genetic predisposition to it in his case.
I’m secure in knowing that nothing I have done or said causes it, so I don’t add the weight of any false guilt, nor should you.
I don’t say or do anything to cause him to feel shame or guilt over his depression, either.
I don’t belittle him or make him feel spiritually immature because of his emotional fragility. I often remind him of positive traits I see in him and how useful he is to God and to others through his gifts of teaching and writing.
I try to make myself available when he needs to talk.
Whether I’m cooking, playing the piano, or skimming through my iPad, I stop and give him my undivided attention. Sometimes I don’t say much. I may just hold him while he weeps.
I don’t offer him superficial solutions to his depression.
I don’t glibly quote Bible verses to him which would imply that if he had more faith, he’d feel happier. (He already knows any Bible verse I could quote to him, anyway.) I don’t say he’ll feel a lot better tomorrow, because I’m not sure he will. Sometimes his depressive episodes last for days.
I do pray with him and for him.
I ask God to give him relief and to use him in his classes even if the depression doesn’t lift.
I don’t let Terry get away with disrespectful words or a harsh tone of voice.
When his depression blends with physical fatigue, he has a tendency to be edgy with me—by complaining if I haven’t walked the dog before he gets home, for example, or raising his voice because I’m later than usual with supper.
I confront him on the spot. I don’t raise my voice, but I say something like, “You owe me an apology. There is no excuse for speaking to me that way.” When I do, he’s quick to apologize, but it’s a dangerous pattern for me to let the sun go down on my anger (see Eph. 4:26-27). Keeping it inside would spawn resentment and cause me to over-react to him about a different matter the next day.
I stay busy with my own work, ministry, and activities and do not let my life revolve solely around my husband.
As our church pianist, I practice every day. I try to keep growing spiritually by attending a weekly women’s Bible study that requires daily homework. I occasionally meet friends for lunch. And with a grown son also living with us, I keep busy with shopping and cooking and other household chores.
Ellen, I hope something I’ve said here is an encouragement and help to you. I’m sure I don’t apply perfectly the strategies I’ve shared, but God can help you and me to love our husbands better if we lean on Him.
I promise to pray for you and for your husband.
With love and prayers,
Dolly
P.S. If your husband has not had a complete physical, including lab tests, I’d encourage it. Unless there is a long history of depression, a downward mood spiral can be caused by physical conditions, such as thyroid problems or diabetes. And if he hasn’t seen a Christian counselor and/or psychiatrist, I’d recommend that, too. If he’s hesitant, offer to go with him.
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