The effects of pornography on a marriage are widespread and devastating. According to Barna research, 40 million Americans view porn regularly—68 percent are church-going men. As a result, marriages are being devastated. The continual consumption of porn erodes the trust in a marriage piece by piece until it is gone completely. It is an addiction that has become epidemic and the pain it leaves in its wake can take years to heal and overcome.
A heartbroken wife, who will remain anonymous, wants you to know that you are not alone. That she understands. That her heart breaks like yours does. That she is struggling to make sense of it all just like you.
Dear Hurting Wife,
I am in your shoes. I know you must be hurting too.I must not be the only one out there going through this.The problem with this type of struggle and sin in our marriage is we find ourselves trapped. I am not the one who looked at images I wasn’t supposed to. I didn’t keep myself from him, play games or use sex as a weapon. However, here I am, in a world I don’t know how to walk through and feeling desperately alone.
I love my husband dearly. I am sure you love yours just as much. I could never share his confession of his struggle with someone else. I would be devastated if someone looked at him differently or even looked down on him. He is the greatest man I know. But the sting is real. I appreciate his honesty; He could have hidden it. I would have never known. He answered all my questions. He sat with me as I cried. He is taking all the right steps now—but what am I to do?
How do I trust again? How do I move forward when I feel like I have been cheated out of the past now? How do I stop crying? Previously when I was sad, I wanted to be near him. Sit next to him and hold his hand. Now it is no different—I still want to be with him—but the pain is so real. The tears flow. The one who has held me in my pain is now the one who is shattering my heart.
I feel so humiliated, so devalued and taken advantage of. What we had was thrown away for something fake and cheap. Who is this guy before me? He can’t be the same one I married. The one I gave my heart to would never intentionally hurt me. He is the one I would have to call and tell him I made it home safe at night when we were dating. How could he be so reckless with my heart and let this garbage in? How am I supposed to respond?
I am thankful that I have a heavenly father’s example of unconditional love and forgiveness to follow right now. I don’t know how to love him with my own love. And I don’t know how to forgive him when I feel like he broke our marriage vows and made my biggest fear become a reality. When it is hard for me to look at him, I am forced to look for Jesus who I know is in him. My Jesus is in there. I know He is. Jesus promised that my husband is a new creation…it is my turn now to seek and find the new creation in him.
There is no safe person to talk to about the hurt and loneliness I feel. This isn’t something women in the church openly talk about—what to do when their wonderful husbands bring sexual sin into the marriage.
So I am writing to you. I know you understand how I am feeling. You comprehend the questions beating in the walls of my heart. Please know new friend—I am thinking about you. I am praying for you, your husband, and your marriage. I am praying we all find healing as we fumble our way out of sin. So at a time when you feel alone and like no one understands—my prayers are being copied and pasted from my heart to yours tonight.
In Him,
Another hurting wife
If pornography is a problem in your marriage, you can find help at the following places:
