“Juan, why don’t you ever say I love you?”
With three years of marriage under our belts, we had succeeded at avoiding major fights, but intimacy was fading. My husband looked at me in surprise that I would ask such a question.
“I made a public profession of love on our wedding day. That’s a forever promise. If I ever stop loving you, I’ll tell you. There’s no need to keep repeating it.” His voice carried a strange mixture of sincerity and disappointment. Clearly, regular expressions of love were considered borderline burdensome.
He smiled, satisfied with his explanation. I stood there, dumbfounded. Is he crazy, or am I? I didn’t know how to process his statement. Though partly relieved that he had insinuated that he still loved me (How sad is that?), I felt off balance. But if I pushed the matter, his indignation would rise, and he’d accuse me of showing disrespect. I sighed and decided to be content with the silence. I didn’t realize it at the time, but my choices to remain silent kept us from fighting, which provided a false sense of confidence that we enjoyed the happy marriage that everyone believed we had, except me.
Since Juan never hit me, I never considered him abusive. I had no idea that non-physical forms of abuse existed. But I noticed that even without physical attacks, I felt like I was dying—from the inside out. I dedicated myself to showing more respect, acting more submissively, and praying as if my life depended upon it. Yet the trajectory of our marriage continued toward destruction.
I grew up in a Christian environment and was actively involved in faith-based groups in high school and beyond. In all that time, I never heard anyone address the topic of abuse in marriage. I married Juan, also a Christian, who later became a deacon and a Bible school graduate. We chose the mission field as our ultimate goal. We even passed our mission board’s screening process, which had no discussion, definition, or checklist to identify possible abusive behaviors. I knew deep down that we struggled, but, being the eternal optimist, I was sure our marriage would improve with time.
Twelve years after our commissioning service, I found myself at the end of my rope—emotionally, mentally, and physically. I finally dared to open up to a few close friends.
Everyone’s responses initially surprised me. Mouths dropped open as I described some of Juan’s crazy-making conversations. We all decided that the answer was to apply more Scripture and work harder at being patient while trying to express my concerns in a rationale, respectful, and loving way. Surely if I communicated my hurt feelings in love and with clarity, Juan would be devastated upon realizing the pain his actions provoked.
But my attempts at explaining met with a finger pointing back at me, indicating that I was the cause of my own pain. My actions forced his negative responses. He took no responsibility for his behavior, but clearly communicated that I deserved whatever I got, demonstrating no empathy.
It never broke his heart to know he was breaking mine.
I begged God to show me how I had failed Him and my husband. I recommitted myself multiple times to show deference, offer forgiveness, and practice patience, respect, and love, fully convinced that my husband’s hard heart would soften as he matured. After all, I was spiritually older, so I needed to be patient as the Holy Spirit worked. The man I fell in love with would return someday, right? He could be "won without a word" if I was careful to guard my speech and attitude. For decades, I hung onto hope that things would eventually change.
They did.
They got worse.
I needed help. Along with counseling, I started reading books on the topic of abuse. I had a lot to learn about how to respond appropriately and apply healthy boundaries as I came to terms that my husband was psychologically abusing me. The more I read, the more I realized that I had to unlearn many ideas that I had previously thought true:
1. Myth: Proper submission and respect will diminish the abuse.
Truth: Submission and respect actually make the abuse worse. Abusers feel entitled to respect, so it only strengthens their belief that they deserve such treatment without feeling any need to show respect in response. Please understand—I’m not saying that we shouldn’t be respectful in how we relate to one another. I’m saying that showing respect does nothing to "fix" the abusive behavior.
2. Myth: Marital counseling will fix the abuse.
Truth: Marital counseling is not helpful for the abused spouse. Anything they say against their abuser may result in retaliation when they are home alone. As a result, fear keeps the victim from being honest, so the counselor is unable to address the real problems. When abuse is present, each spouse must receive personal counseling. The victim needs to learn how to draw healthy boundaries. The abuser needs to deal with the underlying issues. Marriage counseling should only begin when the therapist is confident that the abuser is truly cognizant of the problem and is fully repentant.
3. Myth: Abusers will always respond rationally when confronted with the truth.
Truth: More times than not, an abuser has many traits of a narcissist. Beware—a true narcissist will never admit to being wrong. On the other hand, some men have been willing to swallow their pride, admitting to the destructive behavior. Even so, husbands who demonstrated a pattern of abuse will most likely need the support and accountability of a mentor to deal with the issues that led to the abusive pattern. They need guidance in learning healthy ways to resolve conflict. True change takes much more than a single night of repentance and requires a long-term commitment by both the spouse and mentor.
4. Myth: Most pastors and church leaders are safe people for a victim to approach when she discloses her spouse’s abuse.
Truth: Most Christian workers have received little to no formal training regarding how to address domestic violence in the church. As a result, women are afraid to speak up because their abuser is often also a charmer and well-liked by their peers. As a result, some find it difficult to believe there is a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde situation, especially if the abuser is in a position of leadership. Improperly trained “counselors” often put the responsibility on the victim to avoid conflict and calm the abuser, while failing to address the sin of the spouse and provide proper accountability for him, and simultaneous protection for her.
In my own experience, I received minimal support from Christian leaders who tried to get involved on our behalf, including our mission representative, a pastor, and a fellow missionary. Our mission rep advised me to avoid using the word “abuser,” because it was unfair to label my spouse. A pastor told me it was my job to be Jesus to my husband, referring to the soldiers ridiculing and spitting upon Jesus during His crucifixion. He said this in front of Juan, putting no responsibility on him to love, but rather enabling my husband to believe that he was not accountable for his actions. A fellow missionary reprimanded me for not “taking it,” citing his own wife as an example of someone who always submitted to his admitted abuse. His rebuke left me speechless. I struggled, trying to comprehend why he would confess his abuse to me and think it was okay.
Sadly, my experience is not unique. This begs the question: Why are counseling departments and Bible schools not making this a stronger part of their curriculum in training future leaders? Why are pastors and church leadership not proactive in learning more about this growing problem within the church?
With a growing epidemic of domestic violence within (and outside) the church body, we need to educate our leaders, as well as the laypeople. We all know a victim. We may not know who they are, but domestic violence is happening. On your watch! The Bible tells us that we should “abhor what is evil” (Rom. 12:9). In the parable of the talents, the servant who buried his talent was called “wicked” because he did nothing with the responsibility he was given (Matt. 25:25). James reminds us that sin includes knowing what to do and failing to do it (Jas. 4:17). It is time for the church to be a voice for the oppressed. A hidden menace will only worsen if we continue to look the other way.
ADDITIONAL RESOURCES
- Behind Closed Doors - Karolyn Dekker’s Story
- But Does He Hit You? - Understanding the Truth of Emotional Abuse
- Helping Those Trapped in Abuse
- Escaping the Victim Mentality — Being a victim doesn't mean you have to stay a victim.
- Believing God's Truth About Your Identity — Allowing God to define you instead of those around you.
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE | WHERE TO FIND HELP
Domestic Abuse Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
Ministries:
FOCUS Ministries: “FOCUS Ministries is an organization offering hope, encouragement, support, education, spiritual direction, and assistance to teens, women, and families who experience domestic violence, destructive relationships, separation, or divorce. Our acronym explains it best. Through counseling, education, training, support groups, and tangible resources, we are dedicated to helping others. Focus On Christ for Ultimate Satisfaction.”
LeslieVernick.com. “The Church has been rather slow to acknowledge the validity of emotional abuse, especially in marriage. My prayer is that God would use me and my written materials to be an advocate for a group of people who have been overlooked and oppressed as well as give them biblical and practical tools to get healthier and possibly turn their relationship around. I don’t want the next generation to repeat the same mistakes.”
Books:
Violence Among Us: Ministry to Families in Crisis by Brenda Branson and Paula J. Silva. “This book offers practical help in identifying abusive situations, strategic counseling tips, case studies, ministry models for both victim and perpetrator…and a safety plan.”
Angry Men and the Women who Love Them by Paul Hegstrom. “An invaluable aid for the man who batters, the woman who feels trapped, and the pastor, counselor, or friends who desperately wants to help them both. This book offers straight answers for those willing to overcome the cycle of violence.”
Fool-proofing Your Life by Jan Silvious. “Gain the tools you need to get along with others and conduct your relationships in a manner that honors God—and preserves your sanity!”
Boundaries: When to Say YES, When to Say NO, To Take control of Your Life by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. “Having clear boundaries is essential to a healthy, balanced lifestyle…Boundaries define who we are and who we are not…Often Christians focus so much on being loving and unselfish that they forget their own limits and limitations.”
~ By Karolyn Dekker
Karolyn Dekker is a pen name. Karolyn has completed FOCUS Ministries’ Faith-based Domestic Violence Certificate training, as well as training through the Illinois Coalition against Domestic Violence. Her aim is to both educate and motivate others about the insidious nature of emotional abuse in the church with the goal of equipping both leaders and laypeople to address abusive behavior in a biblical way.
