After living in an abusive relationship for over twenty years, I finally severed the tie. I felt free, no longer oppressed. However, I’d still get knots in my stomach any time I saw my ex’s name on my caller ID. My body reacted to the emotional memory of years before, like PTSD. I assumed it was normal, and in vain I hoped it would go away by itself. It didn’t.
Years later, I experienced a verbally and emotionally abusive encounter with a work colleague. When I asked to meet to discuss the problem, I felt my body go into familiar territory: quivering muscles, elevated heart rate, emotional distress. I left work that day feeling defeated. Was I going to be a victim for the rest of my life?
After that event, I thought about what it means to be the victim versus play the victim, aka having a victim mentality. Anyone who finds themselves on the receiving end of an attack is automatically classified as a victim. That’s not a reference to their character or a personal weakness or any other negative quality—it’s simply a statement of their status in relation to the attacker.
A person who plays the victim likely starts as a victim, but rather than acting upon the available choices, chooses to mentally and emotionally remain in the victim mentality. I recognized that I had allowed myself to stay in that position for far too long after I separated from my abuser, but up to that point, I hadn’t realized I had a choice in the matter. Part of an abuser’s tactics is to control and define their victim. When a person sees themself as only a victim, it makes the task quite easy, and they don’t see a way out.
THE SIGNS OF THE VICTIMHOOD IDENTITY
If I’d been honest with myself, I would’ve recognized the following traits while I was still with my abuser:
- Telling my story at times to get people’s sympathy without being willing to take responsibility for my part of the problem.
- Focusing on people-pleasing in order to keep the peace, rather than learning to draw boundaries.
- Not completely forgiving and/or letting go of my unrealistic expectations.
- Living with self-pity.
- Believing that I was not loveable nor deserving of respect.
Over time, I could see how I propagated my victim status, even beyond my escape from that toxic relationship. It occurred to me that I was not allowing God to define who I was because I had become too used to allowing my spouse and others to define me. However, when Christ lives in us, our identity is based on our status of being “in Christ.” I knew that should make a difference, but how? Philippians 1:28 says that we should not be frightened by our opponents. Could that be true of me, too? Or would I always run away in fear anytime I found myself in a position of the victim?
In my case, I’d never been physically attacked, but rather emotionally and verbally abused. I didn’t fear for my safety or physical well-being. Of what was I afraid, then? It could only be the lies that I was hearing. Was I still believing them?
THE TRUTHS OF GOD
It was time to learn how to be defined by God, by the fact that Christ was in me. But what would that look like, practically speaking? Would believing the truth about who I am in God’s eyes make a difference when put to the test?
Scripture Teaches that I Am:
- God’s child (John 1:12)
- God’s friend (John 15:14)
- Justified by faith (Eph. 2:8–9)
- A saint (Rom. 1:7)
- A member of Christ’s body (1 Cor. 12:27)
- Free from condemnation (Rom. 8:1)
In Addition, I:
- Cannot be separated from the love of God (Rom. 8:38–39)
- Have not been given a spirit of fear (2 Tim. 1:7)
How do we translate this into actions? We may not always know what specific thing to do in every situation, but general biblical truths apply. When unsure of the next step, focus on God’s revealed truths. Over time, He will guide us into more specific actions as needed. Laying a groundwork of truth is vital to finding our strength to do what’s right. Walking away from an unhealthy situation is not for the faint of heart.
We Must Know and Believe These Basic Principles:
- Christ, and no one else, defines our identity (1 Cor. 6:20; Col. 2:10)
- God is sovereign (Rom. 8:28)
- We can rest in the Lord, despite life’s circumstances (Ps. 62:5)
- God’s peace surpasses all understanding (Phil. 4:6–7)
- We can be thankful in all circumstances (1 Thess. 5:18)
- We only need God’s approval, not man’s (Gal. 1:10)
- Criticizing others doesn’t solve our problems (James 4:11)
Being grounded in truth is important because it’s not likely that you’ll ever talk an abuser out of their lies. It’s not going to happen. So we cannot allow ourselves to be continually victimized and devastated due to false accusations. The fact that an abuser is telling lies is their problem, not ours. Since we know truth, we no longer have to emotionally respond to those same triggers.
If the above statements are true—and they are—why would I believe differently? I don’t have to be a victim of someone’s lies; instead, I can reflect on what’s true and let that empower me in my response.
Sounds good, but does it work? It was time to find out.
THE IMPACT OF THE TRUTH
I was chatting with a friend when I got a text from my ex, saying that he needed to call and ask me a question. I felt my muscles tighten, but decided now was as good as any time to practice what I was learning. I asked my friend for prayer, then grabbed my Bible while waiting for the dreaded call. I read from Psalm 25 (ESV): “To you, O Lord, I lift up my soul. O my God, in you I trust; let me not be put to shame… Indeed, none who wait for you shall be put to shame… Lead me in your truth and teach me, for you are the God of my salvation; for you I wait all the day long…”
As I chose to believe Scripture rather than the idea that I was doomed to be afraid every time my ex called, I felt a calming presence come over me that stuck with me for the entirety of the conversation. Focusing on the truth definitely made a difference. I knew I had turned a corner.
Four years later, I was bringing cookies to our neighbor. We’d had a strange relationship with this man ever since moving to the neighborhood, but I was committed to doing what I could to connect to this elderly gentleman. So imagine my shock when he came out of his house not to receive the cookies, but to reject them because, as he explained, he knew who I really was…a spy. I had been spying on him—thus the reason for the cookies—texting my reports to other neighbors, and sharing my observations at community gatherings. So he said, none of which was true, of course.
I stood there in shock, waiting for him to finish, knowing there was nothing I could say to change his mind. He was quite proud of himself for having figured out my “true” identity. I specifically remember thinking that this was a familiar scene. How many times had my spouse falsely accused me of things I hadn’t done? But this time, there were no physical symptoms of distress. No quivering. No elevated heart rate. What I felt was sympathy for this little old man who had no friend in the world because he had convinced himself that everyone was an enemy.
I knew the truth about myself, and I knew I didn’t need to fix this man’s wrong perceptions of me—which was an impossible task since he had come to his conclusion with absolutely no evidence and 100% confidence. No, I didn’t need to have any emotional investment just because I was the victim of his assault. I knew the truth. I knew who I was, in Christ and otherwise. And that made all the difference in the world. I didn’t have to play the victim anymore.
~ By Karolyn Dekker
Karolyn Dekker is a pen name. Karolyn has completed FOCUS Ministries’ Faith-based Domestic Violence Certificate training, as well as training through the Illinois Coalition against Domestic Violence. Her aim is to both educate and motivate others about the insidious nature of emotional abuse in the church with the goal of equipping both leaders and laypeople to address abusive behavior in a biblical way.
