Merriam-Webster defines victim as “one that is subjected to oppression, hardship, or mistreatment.” In order to get oneself out of an abusive situation, it’s important that the victim first learns to escape the victim mentality. Doing so empowers them to take the next steps. However, sometimes even though an escape was successful, they remain trapped as a victim in their mind. This victim mentality, sometimes called playing the victim, keeps them from finding complete freedom.
I’m not a psychologist, so I won’t go into all the reasons why people remain in a state of victimhood. Many times, however, it starts because the craziness that led to the situation leaves a person confused and feeling stuck, such as in the case of domestic violence—though the problem is not limited to that scenario. What looks like common sense to outsiders has a completely different appearance to the one caught in the middle of abuse. Walking away is not easy. Believe me; I know this from personal experience. However, it’s vital to our survival. Being the victim doesn’t mean we have to remain the victim.
WHAT DOES A VICTIM MENTALITY LOOK LIKE?
A simple Google search shows that examples of playing the victim include:
1. Seeking admiration or sympathy because of poor treatment by others.
Don’t confuse this with the healthy act of talking out your problems and concerns with people who can legitimately help. The latter is necessary and healthy. The former seeks to legitimize the victim status while receiving pity, rather than seeking practical help to improve the situation.
2. Focusing on self-pity rather than self-help.
One has to ask, what lies are believed and perpetuated in order to justify a continual pity party?
3. Not taking responsibility in the situation.
A victim mentality promotes the lie that we have no control. As a result, a person doesn’t learn to draw boundaries to stop abuse.
4. Viewing oneself as being at the mercy of others.
Yes, abuse can make you feel helpless at times, but we don’t have to remain helpless. There are things we can do to get ourselves away from being a victim. However, if we expect and allow poor treatment, we’ll never get ourselves outside of that vicious cycle.
5. Hanging onto old grievances.
Forgiveness is especially hard in situations of abuse. Remember, forgiveness doesn’t mean the person has earned your trust or that the relationship is automatically restored. Trust must be consistently demonstrated over time. However, unforgiveness keeps us in victim mode, our fuel being the bitterness we allow to grow within us.
6. Comparing oneself to others.
Pointing out how everyone else has a better situation is a common trap. This is a big lie propagated by many, not just victims of abuse. The grass is not always greener! Our focus should be on taking the next step in the right direction, not pointing out how everyone else has it better.
7. Having a need to put others down.
It’s ironic this would happen, because as victims, we tire of having other people falsely accuse, criticize, and blame us. However, if we retain a victim mentality, rather than finding workable solutions, we find it easier to judge others and feel a bit better about ourselves in the process.
5 WAYS TO LEAVE THE LIES OF VICTIMHOOD BEHIND
1. Stay away from the harmful party.
If you’ve ever looked at a biblical definition of a fool in the book or Proverbs, you’ll see amazing similarities between a fool and an abuser. God tells us to “stay away from a fool” (Prov. 14:7). We cannot reason with them, so giving them the power and opportunity to speak into our lives just continues the abuse cycle. We cannot stop them from being an abuser, but we can stop giving them opportunities to abuse us. Getting outside of the abuse cycle will help us to start healing internally and give us opportunity to stop living as a victim.
2. Draw boundaries.
Think of a boundary as a fence around your house that keeps out trespassers and stray dogs. As the owner of the house, you control who gets to come in the gate. Drawing boundaries is especially important when you cannot physically distance yourself from the abuser, or you’re forced to continue to communicate with them (i.e. co-parenting, dealing with a toxic sibling, etc.). The process starts with us verbalizing the expectations of the other. If the other party violates the request, it’s important to be safe and create temporary space. That may mean hanging up the phone, walking away, or creating physical distance. The other person has to earn the right to be in our presence. We need to be wise as serpents and innocent as doves (Matt. 10:16). When we cling to a victim mentality, we don’t see any of the above as options because we assume we’re stuck in our abuse and will never get out.
3. Don’t partner or trust a fool with anything that is important.
When you do, you’re setting yourself up for failure. They might be someone that you once trusted and you long to regain that status, but if you’re always on the victim side when relating to them, you cannot expect them to change. Understand God’s stance on oppression—He’s against it. He doesn’t want you to stay in a position where you are continually bullied or abused (Prov. 13:20).
4. Let God’s love satisfy.
You don’t need to seek the sympathy and admiration of others to feel good about yourself. Often, we idolize the opinions of others. This gives them more power than anyone should have in our lives because their withdrawal of approval or love will devastate and plunge us into a pit of despair. If we don’t apply wisdom as to whose opinion counts, we’ll create a state of constant victimhood. However, that doesn’t mean you should isolate. Choose safe and trustworthy friends who will help by pointing you to Christ. As His love satisfies our inner needs, we are capable of developing healthier relationship with others, too (Eph. 3:17b–19).
5. Live in the present, not the past.
We can learn from the past and, of course, we need to grieve the past. I’m not pushing a Pollyanna type of mentality, but if we hang on to the past and continually compare our present to what we’ve lost, we’ll be in a state of constant grief. The past should refine us, not define us. Life will never be the same after a major loss, whether it’s a death, divorce, loss of trust in a relationship—you fill in the blank. However, if you’re expecting your present to mimic either what you had in the past or an imaginary idea of how you think things should be, you’re setting yourself up for failure and playing the victim without hope of reprieve. Today is your new normal. Grieve what is lost, but move on (Isa. 43:18; Phil. 3:12).
After twenty years of marriage, it finally dawned on me that I was the recipient of abuse, not just struggling with typical marital problems. The years of emotional and psychological attacks had robbed me of the ability to think clearly. Many well-meaning friends and family members offered words of advice and direction. For a while, I shot down every suggestion sent my way. I felt hopeless and stuck. I couldn’t see that I had the right to draw boundaries and demand that the abuse stop. From my point of view, no one truly understood my situation, which was far worse than that of anyone else I knew at that time. I had very little hope that things could change and didn’t realize that I had a choice to take responsibility in the matter. Without a doubt, I had given in to the victim mentality.
There is no light at the end of the tunnel when we walk this path. Embracing a victim mentality merely perpetuates the problem and does nothing to resolve it. Sadly, it’s sometimes easier to stay in the abusive situation, in spite of the unhealthy position, because it’s known. Change—and the unknown scenarios that accompany it—can be scary, but over time, not changing is scarier.
~ By Karolyn Dekker
Karolyn Dekker is a pen name. Karolyn has completed FOCUS Ministries’ Faith-based Domestic Violence Certificate training, as well as training through the Illinois Coalition against Domestic Violence. Her aim is to both educate and motivate others about the insidious nature of emotional abuse in the church with the goal of equipping both leaders and laypeople to address abusive behavior in a biblical way.
ADDITIONAL RESOURCES
