But does he hit you?
Why do we ask the above question? By inserting but, are we saying that other forms of abuse are okay? Are we proclaiming that verbal, emotional, and spiritual abuses are forgivable and not worth confronting?
The question implies that, if your oppressive spouse isn’t physically violent, we look the other way. After all, this is holy matrimony, so preserving the marriage is a priority, right? Yes, of course, but the goal is never to preserve a relationship that’s full of abuse just for the sake of avoiding divorce. God’s plan for marriage is so much more.
WHAT IS EMOTIONAL ABUSE?
A quick primer: Abuse of any kind is a means to control the other person. One method is physical violence, but it’s not just the violence that’s bad, but also the attempt to control. That being the case, does it really matter how that control is achieved? Methods of emotional abuse involve insults, gaslighting, lies, threats, isolation, and intimidation, to name a few. Let’s look at some examples in Scripture and observe God’s attitude toward them.
WHAT GOD HATES
Proverbs 6:16–19 reads:
“There are six things that the Lord hates, seven that are detestable to him;
Haughty eyes,
A lying tongue,
Hands that shed innocent blood,
A heart that devises wicked schemes,
Feet that are quick to rush into evil,
A false witness who pours out lies
And a person who stirs up conflict in the community.”
Merriam Webster’s definition of hate is “intense hostility and aversion usually deriving from fear, anger, or sense of injury; extreme dislike or disgust: antipathy, loathing.” God’s hatred doesn’t derive from fear or a sense of injury, so that leaves His righteous anger. These seven abominations make God angry. Let’s look at them again and see how these characteristics might show up in the lives of Jack and Karen (whose names have been changed to preserve privacy).
1. Haughty Eyes
We associate haughtiness with pride, but the word means much more. It’s pride on steroids. Haughty means, “blatantly and disdainfully proud; having or showing an attitude of superiority and contempt for people or things perceived to be inferior.” (Merriam Webster)
Karen can’t count the number of times Jack looked at her with contempt. The look put her in her place, becoming an effective tool to control a wife who longed to practice biblical submission. On three different occasions, Jack gave her the look in the presence of a Christian pastor or counselor. Her eyes darted to the mediator. Surely they had seen it. Avoiding her eyes, the person chose to ignore the display of contempt rather than confront the sin. Is that how we should deal with actions that God hates?
2. Lying Tongue
Jack’s lies were rarely blatant, at least not initially. He was a master of deception, saying one thing to Karen and something else to others. If she caught him, he accused her of misunderstanding or hearing him wrongly. Emotionally broken, Karen was quick to accept that the misperception was her fault. She promised to work harder at listening and avoided accusations without another witness to corroborate her version of events, which was rare. Jack was good at hiding his deceit from others.
3. Hands that Shed Innocent Blood
Shedding blood includes murder, but it doesn’t exclude other kinds of physical violence against a person.
It’s important to note that ongoing emotional abuse leads not only to the deterioration of mental health, but also physical weakness in the form of chronic illness or autoimmune diseases. Instead of death by a bullet or a beating, an insidiously long pathway that includes ongoing emotional abuse kills a person from the inside out.
Karen struggled with unexplained neurological symptoms for years until she got counseling. As she identified the abuse and learned how to respond, her physical symptoms subsided. However, she was embarrassed to admit that sometimes she wished Jack would hit her. With bruises as evidence, maybe someone would take her complaints seriously. It was as if Jack’s strategy was to keep his attacks in the emotional realm, protecting his own reputation.
4. A Heart that Devises Wicked Schemes
No one would’ve believed that Jack plotted anything against Karen. Who would purposefully be mean to his wife? Surely not a pastor or missionary (of which Jack was both). Yet, when Karen asked him to accompany her on trips for protective purposes, Jack refused, knowing the possible dangers awaiting her. Near the end of their marriage, he threatened to send an email to all their supporters and friends, telling everyone how Karen had cheated on him. (She hadn’t.) He wanted everyone to know her “true” character—as perceived by him—and devised a plan to destroy her reputation.
5. Feet that are Quick to Rush into Evil
Evil can refer to that which is sinful, offensive, or causing harm. Jack appeared to be a moral man when observed from afar. No one would’ve accused him of being drunk, violent, unethical, or immoral. He wasn’t overtly evil toward others, but abuse is a means of control (which is evil in and of itself), and he was quick to control Karen in a variety of ways.
Jack displayed a passive-aggressive style of evil. Rather than purposefully doing something to inflict harm, Jack would find a way to withhold necessary protective assistance. His feet were quick to avoid doing good. When Karen was ill and bedridden, Jack chose to watch a soccer game with a friend rather than pick up her medicine from the pharmacy. He was also quick to criticize rather than uplift, and his criticisms were often accompanied by an evil smile. Evidently, disparaging his wife brought him great joy.
6. A False Witness Who Pours out Lies
“False witness” sounds like a repeat of the previous detestable act of lying. While there’s some overlap, the meaning here refers to a courtroom setting (bearing false witness or committing perjury). It’s referencing how someone responds to being under oath.
Some marriages do end up in a courtroom, so lying to a judge fits into this category. However, God expects us to honor any oath we make, courtroom aside. When we commit our lives to Him, we’re essentially committing to honor Him in all we do. Abuse to anyone is in direct violation of God’s expectations for Christians. In addition, marriage is an oath. Making a covenant communicates a commitment to truth. Controlling and manipulating a spouse is a violation of that commitment.
Near the end of Jack and Karen’s marriage, she dared to pick up her wedding album and re-read their vows. Jack had always bragged that he’d been faithful by avoiding an affair. However, it dawned on Karen that Jack had broken every vow he’d made before God, in spite of his sexual fidelity.
7. A Person who Stirs up Conflict in the Community
Stirring up strife is the seventh item God adds to the list. The word community includes all people—but the focus of this phrase is on the conflict. Jesus’ prayer for His followers in John 17 reminds us of the importance of unity, showing why God hates it when someone isn’t living harmoniously. Marriage should be the best example of peaceful collaboration.
Karen felt she was constantly set up to experience conflict with Jack. If she had a difference of opinion, she was accused of disrespect. If she agreed with Jack on something, he’d quickly change his opinion so he could say she was wrong. If she stayed silent on a subject, he’d insert his opinion of what Karen would probably say, and then criticize it. She lived in constant conflict.
OUR RESPONSE
Proverbs 6 is a call to speak up against all forms of abuse, not just physical. We must ask questions about physical violence, but primarily to ensure safety, not to discount other forms of abuse. Six of the seven abominable traits on God’s list are examples of non-physical abuse. If God hates these things, then we should, too.
WHO DO I TURN TO?
Are you a recipient of emotional abuse? There is hope, but truth be told, it can be difficult finding someone who is safe to approach. Sadly, many pastors and church leaders haven’t been adequately trained for handling abusive situations. Here are some green lights and warning signs to help you proceed with caution when you’re ready to tell your story.
Your pastor/church is probably safe to approach if you notice the following:
- The topic of abuse is addressed openly from the pulpit.
- Support groups for abused spouses are offered.
- The pastor/church recognizes that biblical reasons for divorce go beyond just adultery or having an unsaved spouse.
- When the topic of abuse comes up, responsibility is not placed on the victim to improve the abuser’s behavior.
- The pastor/church recognizes that an individual (i.e., an abused spouse) is always more valuable in God’s eyes than an institution (i.e., marriage).
- The pastor/church recognizes that the effects of abuse are often more damaging to children than the effects of divorce.
Your pastor/church is probably not safe to approach if you notice the following:
- You notice resistance when bringing up the subject of abuse.
- Victims are encouraged to “pray more” rather than take action to address the problem directly.
- Women are told to practice submission, suggesting that by doing so the abuse will stop or improve.
- Wives are taught to be “more available” to their spouses and meet their sexual needs in order to stop the abuse.
- Only physical abuse is recognized, but no other type (emotional/verbal/spiritual).
- The leaders demonstrate unwillingness to confront the abuser directly.
- You are pushed to get marriage counseling. (Don’t do it—in abusive situations, only personal counseling is advised for each party until the issues causing the abuse are addressed; marriage counseling can often increase the abuse.)
- The church teaches to “Save the marriage at all costs.”
ONCE YOU FIND A SAFE PERSON
- Make an appointment to tell your story (don’t just assume you can approach the pastor after a Sunday sermon).
- Share this article with your pastor/counselor ahead of time.
- Take a trusted friend with you to the appointment.
- Be specific by providing your own examples. Say exactly what was said or done, rather than describing your spouse with nasty adjectives. For example, say, “He says it’s my fault when he says something hurtful to me,” not “He’s a dirty, rotten liar.”
- Ask the person to walk your spouse through the Matt. 18:15-17 process.
- Ask for a referral to a personal (not marriage) counselor who understands abuse; request that she be a woman.
- Even if it’s not physical violence, it’s still helpful to call the Domestic Violence Hotline to obtain additional information. (1-800-799-SAFE)
- For emotional support from a Christian organization, call FOCUS Ministries at 1-630-617-0088 (Email: help@focusministries1.org; www.FocusMinistries1.org).
~ By Karolyn Dekker
Karolyn Dekker is a pen name. Karolyn has completed FOCUS Ministries’ Faith-based Domestic Violence Certificate training, as well as training through the Illinois Coalition against Domestic Violence. Her aim is to both educate and motivate others about the insidious nature of emotional abuse in the church with the goal of equipping both leaders and laypeople to address abusive behavior in a biblical way.
