Sharon's husband (name changed) pretended to have the coronavirus so he could enjoy two weeks off and monitor her activities. Sharon was already close to her breaking point with Jerry’s micromanagement of her life, as he insisted that nothing be left out—not a dish in the sink, a comb on the bathroom countertop, or a toy on the floor. He wanted the house as perfect as an unused hotel room, ignoring that their house was anything but unused.
While working from home, Sharon homeschooled her daughter and watched a neighbor’s child whose daycare center had closed. Jerry’s angry outbursts needed little provocation. Finding a bottle out of place or seeing Sharon put the baby down for a nap before starting the dishes gave him justification to berate, “You’re a terrible housekeeper. You need me to teach you how to clean and make you a better person. How can you be so stupid?”
Most of us take our freedom for granted, but imagine living with someone who constantly monitors your computer usage and checks your web history. An abuser will often supervise calls, texts, or emails, and use a GPS to check whereabouts. Being at home all day severely restricts any attempts to communicate with outsiders. Not having personal freedom means a lack of ability to access critical resources, like a phone to call 911 or the Domestic Violence Hotline.
Jesus commands us to love our neighbor (Matt. 22:39). What should that look like if you know that your neighbor is living under abusive circumstances? The National Network to End Domestic Violence (NNEDV) provides suggestions regarding how you can support someone stuck in a toxic situation. Here are some ways you can help someone now in the midst of coronavirus abuse:
1. Check on the Victim's Safety
For example, find out their preferred method of connecting. With an abuser close by, a text may not be a safe way to check on the victim’s safety. A phone is easily grabbed, and all privacy lost. Could there be another platform or app? Would instant messaging work? Could you chat during a shared online game when the perpetrator would be less suspicious? Always let the other person choose the method of communication and remember—what works today may not work tomorrow. Touch base frequently.
2. Stay in Touch
Once a method of communication is established, be intentional about staying in touch. Decide on critical signals to call for help. For example, choose a code word or phrase to use when there’s a need for a visit from a family member to diffuse a situation, or for the police to stop by. Even if you never have to resort to using these means, having a plan will provide more security for your friend. Moral support goes a long way.
The thought of helping an abused person can feel scary and overwhelming, but the truth is, just being there is really all they need from you. They’re not looking for you to make decisions. Sometimes just the simple act of listening and believing what a person says is what’s needed.
3. Help Develop a Safety Plan
Another way to support your neighbor is to help develop a safety plan. Start by asking questions to prepare for when it may be time to leave. How can they safely escape the house? Do they have a packed bag ready to go? Do they have a hotline number available? Do they know how to find an available shelter? You can help by contacting family members who might be willing to let your neighbor stay with them. Be that available person who can make phone calls outside the earshot of the abuser to locate pertinent resources on your friend’s behalf. Hotlines welcome calls from concerned friends and neighbors. Call to learn more before needing urgent help.
Thankfully, Sharon had a supportive Christian neighbor and a support group. When Jerry started verbalizing her inadequacies again and tried to hold a wet rag over her nose and mouth, she feared that his assaults were escalating. Recently he had said, “It’s a good thing I broke up with my last girlfriend, because if we’d stayed together, I probably would’ve killed her.” He later boasted, “I’ve never been arrested or put into jail for anything. My record’s clean. But if I ever do anything that lands me in jail, I’ll make sure it’s worth it!” Fearing for her ultimate safety and mental health, she finally left. Yet, being in a shelter and having to maintain social distancing multiplies the pain and loneliness. She knows that she did the right thing, but feels she has a long, lonely road ahead of her.
4. Rely on Prayer
Do not neglect the importance of prayer. Each situation is unique. Pray for God’s clear leading both for you as you seek to minister to your hurting neighbor, and for her to find relief. It may not be “our” problem, but once we’re aware, it’s our responsibility to be part of the solution as God leads. As Martin Luther King, Jr. said, “The ultimate tragedy is not the oppression and cruelty by the bad people, but the silence over that by the good people.” Abuse is a form of oppression. God does not forsake the oppressed, neither should we. “The Lord is a stronghold for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble” (Ps. 9:9). Pray for all the Sharons out there to find their stronghold in Him.
~ By Karolyn Dekker
Karolyn Dekker is a pen name. Karolyn has completed FOCUS Ministries’ Faith-based Domestic Violence Certificate training, as well as training through the Illinois Coalition against Domestic Violence. Her aim is to both educate and motivate others about the insidious nature of emotional abuse in the church with the goal of equipping both leaders and laypeople to address abusive behavior in a biblical way.
ADDITIONAL RESOURCES
- Behind Closed Doors - Karolyn Dekker’s Story
- The Danger of Ignorance
- But Does He Hit You? - Understanding the Truth of Emotional Abuse
- Escaping the Victim Mentality — Being a victim doesn't mean you have to stay a victim.
- Believing God's Truth About Your Identity — Allowing God to define you instead of those around you.
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE | WHERE TO FIND HELP
Domestic Abuse Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
Ministries:
FOCUS Ministries: “FOCUS Ministries is an organization offering hope, encouragement, support, education, spiritual direction, and assistance to teens, women, and families who experience domestic violence, destructive relationships, separation, or divorce. Our acronym explains it best. Through counseling, education, training, support groups, and tangible resources, we are dedicated to helping others. Focus On Christ for Ultimate Satisfaction.”
LeslieVernick.com. “The Church has been rather slow to acknowledge the validity of emotional abuse, especially in marriage. My prayer is that God would use me and my written materials to be an advocate for a group of people who have been overlooked and oppressed as well as give them biblical and practical tools to get healthier and possibly turn their relationship around. I don’t want the next generation to repeat the same mistakes.”
